Tuning In....

I was waiting tables like a good little newbie actress does when she is serious about pursuing her craft, when in came  the gang of jealous mean girls from my past.
 They met as a group of 15 for an early dinner after their ringleader discovered my schedule. She had it out for me over a boy, for years.
At the time, I thought this a coincidence and i was actually happy to see a few of them. Until they began to methodically bully and harass me.
  " look at her now.. is this you as an actresssss..???  hahaha" "oh she wants to be an actresss ?  working as a waitress ~?" ' ewwww she's working.. what couldn't get a man??"" we want HER to wait on us!"  you are going to wait on us! aren't you?! ..answer me answer me..what's your problem? look she's ignoring me... manager!  manager!  where is the manager!?"
  They mocked me, saying rude and hurtful things to me and ordering in arrogant fashion to the hostess that they wanted me to wait on them specifically.
   I watched them with calm head. I saw the insecurities in them. I let them vent and tried to go about my business, but they got louder and more tantrum like, until I could no longer stay quiet.. " I don't need a man to take care of me ~ I am not an idiot that can't wipe her own ass! and I wouldn't wait on you pathetic girls in a million years.."
The pitch of their squealswent up to high C and dog's began to bark down the street.  " did you hear what she just said to me!?' "omg did she just talk back to us?!"
Of course I refused, and when the manager was called upon and snorted at,
I explained to him that it was not the restaurant she had a problem with, but her boyfriend, who was in love with me from the past, hence her displeasure. I must admit, it was funny to see them huff off to their table after their attempt to destroy me failed.
  I looked at them as such pathetic little creatures. How sad that this was how they conducted themselves in public. This was how they wanted to behave as adults in society?  They looked ridiculous. They were ridiculous.
I would never want to emulate any of them after that day.
Any respect i had for them dissipated. I realized I was different. Thank god. But now I didn't really know how to define myself anymore.
The elk from which I had emerged, were not becoming the kind of person I wanted to become...  and the sexual politics in Hollywood left me in the outfield as well. I had some soul searching to do. But where to begin...
 After work, my manager and I had a long conversation about the nature of true love vs. freedom and how these girls without a passion to pursue, were simply craving marriage as survival, and felt threatened in their insecurities.

He told me that he found that I, on the other hand, had an awareness and a goal and a fearlessness of adventure. I was ready to endure storms if i were to be accomplished as myself and not the wife of someone accomplished. I wanted to DO something~ Contribute to humanity ~ find my own voice and express it with all of the good intentions and researched methods of execution.
  And clearly, I was not going to find my collaborators in a batch of narcissistic  fearful, shopping junkies.
Why do people want other people to feel badly about themselves?
Why should i go through life unsatisfied because of someone else's agenda?
 Everything has become a contest. And there is only one winner. So all of these people put their heart out in the open  and walk away feelingly terrible.
Shouldn't the reward be in the doing!?
Shouldn't little girls walk off stage feeling accomplished instead of worrying about hitting an off angle?
It's ridiculous.
Why should I not feel complete for just being a good person?
I mean am I supposed to think of myself as a person who is incomplete unless i have a man? How can I believe that i am worthless unless i have another person taking care of me?
I knew I had talents and visions and something to contribute to humanity.
Was i supposed to think terribly of myself for working? Was I expected to let the words of some mean, insecure girls make me loose my focus on what i wanted to achieve?
I just couldn't believe that they were trying so hard to hurt someone. What kind of people were these?
I was raised to believe that if i worked hard enough towards something I could achieve it. So i knew it would be wobbly in the beginning but after practice it would come together.
 I am ready to fall down and get back up. I am fine failing for i know it is a process of elimination and with  one lesson down, I'm  almost there.
I needed to figure out what else i needed to see to get a great perspective on what the world had to offer. What did i need to change into? What did i want to design myself to be? What are the options....

   So I quit my job and decided to embark on a road trip, a journey, a brave jump into the vast unknown. I had never eaten at a restaurant alone, or gone to a movie alone... or really anything. I was raised in a family environment where one was always surrounded by trusted people....  so to hit the road on my own was... unheard of.... but my soul was on fire and I had to go.

MOONBERTO and RON ~ Strength in Vulnerability ~
 the photographer and painter ~ Goddess
"one must revere the woman, the giver of life, the creator of all men ~ she must be observed with admiration, left untouched or her fragile petals will wilt, she must be nurtured. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly"
I replied, 'well you created a safe place to be able to express myself freely ~ thank you "
 The girls at the waterfall shooting nudes and chiffon

KEVIN ~ Possibilities vs. Expectations ~
musician, poet ~ flowering tree ceremony, Shamanism ~, sweatlodges Expectations ~" don't expect it to be anything... allow it to be what it is , without judgement", Let the song reveal itself to you

At first it was all poetry readings and gigs with the band. Sage, candlelight and sex. mystical ritual as foreplay . He had sublimation of some disappointments which have turned into one sad and angry man. One who will not allow himself to heal for it has become his chosen identity ~  not much fun to live with ~
his anger is easily ignited ~ in bed he once tied me down sexually and then turned it into a threat and power play for control of me ~ which i did not release to him. My trust and fearlessness, pissed him off, but he relinquished his grasp,untied me in a huff and we fell asleep. early in the morning, I woke up, broke up, ignored his calls and tried to quickly move on as if it never happened. As if I went unchainged by him. But i saw things quite differently after that lion.


 RH ~  More vs. Nothing ~
Hippies, wizard, tuning in, Transdances ~
I pulled over on the side of the road to take a good pause and stare out at the ocean down below the cliffs i had been driving along.
The sun was a strong glare off of the ocean and the scent on the breeze was refreshing. The wind blew my hair back off of my face and woke me up a bit.
A flock of birds chirped by and fading in to my audibility,
I heard music in the distance ~ a flute off somewhere in through the trees next to the road, it was enchanting really so i followed it
" it is not my music ~ it comes through me like a radio"
 ' one must quiet the voices in the head in order to hear beyond them'
listen deeply , listen to the distance. Can you hear what is in the air? It creeps in silently and fades in to a tone one picks up on when focused. and when you play a note, let the note ring to its full end...... for there is music in the silences..."  Sometimes One does more by doing nothing


~Intentions vs. Interpretations ~